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37.Çocukluhayat

       

      Seyyah doğana kadar, ikimiz de çalşıyorduk. Son seneler, haftanın 1-2 günü o işten gelip, ben işe giderken sadece kapıda karşılaşıyorduk İbrahim'le. Bazı günler de çok boş vaktimiz oluyordu ve çok rahattık.

       Çocuklu bir hayatın, hatta benim çalışmayıp da yoğun olarak çocuğumla vakit geçireceğim bir hayatın nasıl olabileceğini hayal dahi edemezdim. Hiç bir fikrim yoktu, olamazdı da. Bana çok uzaktı bu tarz bir yaşam. Ama her adımı kendi tercihimle atmanın rahatlığı, kendi yolumu daha rahat çizmemi sağladı.

       Şimdi çocukla hayatın içinde, yapmak istediğim hemen her şeyi,  çocuklu bir anne modunda, yapabilecek durumdayım. Bir günde olmadı bu. Ama benim çabamla, emeğimle, harekete geçmemle oldu. Dolayısıyla çocukla tüm ömrümü de geçirsem (ki bu olmayacak, çünkü büyüyüp gidecek zaten; sadece abartma için yazıyorum bunu), her zaman yapacak bir şeyler bulabilir, bazen dolu bazen boş, oğlumla güzel vakit geçirebilirim. Bu yüzden de okulsuzluk, bizim için gayet iyi giden bir süreç oluyor. Bazen tökezlediğimiz, sıkıldığımız, bunaldığımız zamanlar da oluyor ve birbirimize destek olarak bunları da atlatıyoruz. İnsanız, hiç bir şey dört dörtlük olmayacak ve bunu tamamen kabul etmiş durumdayım ve bu benim için sorun değil.

       Çocuklu hayatta beni en çok etkileyen şey, dışarıda bir şeyler yaparken her şeyi 10 kat filan daha yavaş yapmak zorunda kalmak oldu mesela. Dışarıda işlerim varsa, aynı sürede normalde 3-4 şeyi halledebileceksem, çocukla çıkıyorsam bir tanesini halledebilmeyi kar sayıyorum. Ama bu beni dışarı çıkmaktan da, onunla harket etmekten de, gerektiğinde işimi onunla birlikte halletmekten de alıkoymadı. Çok zorlanacak gibiysem yapmıyorum. Bazen de hayat eksik bir şeylerle sürüversin diyorum. Henüz kendimi hiç kötü hissetmedim bunlardan dolayı.

       7/24 çocuklu olmak zor elbet. Sıkılıp bunaldığım da oluyor ve bir fırsatını bulduğumda onlara baba&oğul zamanı bırakarak kendi başıma da hareket ediyorum. Dışarı çıkıyorum, arkadaşlarımla görüşüyorum, tek başıma geziyor ya da işlerimi hallediyorum. Bazen de tek başıma bir seyahate çıkabiliyorum (senede bir defa, şanslıysam). Bunlar tüm o sıkıntının toptusunu da süpürüp, yeni bir ben olarak devam etmemi sağlıyor. Bu yüzden de okulsuzluk süreci aralarda yorucu gelip sızlansam da, genel olarak beni yoran ya da sıkıldığım bir süreç değil.

       Çocuklarla çocukça vakit geçirebilen, oyunlar kuran oynayan ve oyunda eşlik edebilen bir yapım yok maalesef. Öyle olmak isterdim ama değilim ve zorlama ile yapmaya kalktığımda bence daha da batırıyorum, ayrıca kendim de sıkılıyorum, çocuğun da canını sıkabiliyorum vs. Bu yüzden bu alanda çocuğumun ihtiyacını karşılayabilecek insanlara bırakıyorum Seyyah'ın hayatındaki bu alanı. Şanslıyız ki en çok dolduran kişi babası, ve yakın akraba ve arkadaşlarımız var bu konuda faydalandığım. Geri kalan her şeyle ben ilgilenebilirim, öyle de yapıyor ve bunu da gayet iyi yaptığımı düşünüyorum. Gerekli ve yeterli ölçüde.

       Çocuklu hayattan önce mesleğim İngilizce öğretmenliğiydi. Bir kuruma bağlı da olsam, kendim özel çalışırken de, kendi ders notlarımı, öğrencilere verilecek materyalimi ve müfredatımın gidişatını sınıfıma-öğrencime özel kendim hazırlamaktan büyük keyif alırdım. Bununla birlikte kurumlarda çalışırken meslektaşlarım ve yönetimle, özel çalışırken de öğrencilerimle ilişkilerim çoğunlukla benim iletişim becerilerime göre şekilllendi. Bu yüzden, çocuklu hayatta yapmam gerektiğini düşündüğüm şeyler bana çok daha kolay, zevkli ve daha sınırsız geliyor. Çok seviyorum dolayısıyla.

       Çocuklu hayata ve okulsuzluk tercihine, ayrıca öğrenme süreçlerine bu bakış açısıyla baktığımda, ben zorluğundan çok güzelliğini görebiliyor ve daha rahat devam edebiliyorum.

 

       Zeynep

 

      

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