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38.Sınırlar

              

       Çocuğuma sınır koyma konusu, uzun zamandır üzerine düşündüğüm bir konu. “Çocukların sınırlara ihtiyacı vardır” cümlesi, nedense beni bir şekilde rahatsız etmişti başlarda. Evet uzmanların görüşü bu yönde ve bu görüşe güvenmek de istiyorum ama o cümlede içime sinmeyen bir şeyler var hep. 
 

       Sonra dönüp kendimize bakıyor ve “bizim sınırlarımız yok, ve acaba bu yanlış bir şey mi?” diye düşünüyorum. Bu soruyu tartıştığımızda ise, ''gerçekten sınırımız yok mu?'' geliyor gündeme ve anlıyorum ki, aslında elbette bizim de sınırlarımız ve hatta kendimize özellikle koyduğumuz sınırlarımız da var (tamamen pozitif anlamda), bir anda bunu farkediyorum. Daha önce farketmemiş olmamın nedeni ise, bunları neredeyse hiç dillendirmemiş olmam.
 

       Evet genel olarak kesin kurallarımız, yasaklarımız ve belirgin, üzerine konuşulup karar verilmiş, söze dökülmüş sınırlarımız yok. Ama yaşadıkça anlıyorum ki, hayatın kurallarla ilgili kısmını içimizden geldiği gibi, doğal olarak nasıl olması gerekiyorsa o şekilde yaşıyoruz biz çoğunlukla. Sadece bunlar bizim kurallarımız demiyoruz, ama havada uçuşan görünmez kurallarımız da var.

      Geçmişimizde, olmazsa olmazlarımız var bizim de, ama zaman içinde her birini teker teker eteğimizdeki taşları döker gibi bıraka bıraka ilerliyoruz. Sınırlara gelince, kalın çizgilerle belirlenmiş sınırlarımız yok derken görüyorum ki, bizim bir huyumuz var. Hayatta yahut herhangi bir spesifik konuda önceliğimiz isteklerimizi sayısız seçenek arasından sıyırıp çıkarmak ve olabildiğince çabuk, o konudaki seçenek sayısını minimuma indirmek oluyor. Bunun çocuklu hayatımızdaki yeri, misal işimiz bittiği anda çocuk eşyalarını ve oyuncakları dönem dönem eleyip, elden çıkarmak gibi şeyler olurken; okulsuzluğa yansıması ise çocuğumuza sunduğumuz öğrenme ortamlarını ve seçeneklerini yavaş yavaş, teker teker ve birbiriyle çakışmayacak şekilde sunmamız olarak su yüzüne çıkıyor. 

       O cümledeki içime sinmeyen şeyin, aslında her konunun somutlaştırılıp dillendirilmesinin ve dolayısıyla dayatılmasının bende yarattığı rahatsızlık olduğunu anladım sonunda. Uzmanlar böyle diyor, doğrusu bu, olması gereken bu gibi tabirlerden birazcık rahatsız oluyorum. Ama takip edip, uzman görüşlerinden almak istediğimi aldığımı ve bana uygun olmadığımı es geçtiğimi de belirtiyim.
 

       Buna son zamanlarda sıklıkla yaşadığımız örneğimse, çocuğumuzun izleyeceği şeylere kendisi karar veriyor olmasıyla birlikte, bunları sonsuz bir internet ortamından değil de; benim onun için sayılı seçeneğe indirgediğim, üstelik ebeveyn süzgecinden geçirdiğim sınırlı bir ortamdan seçiyor. İhtiyacı olan da bundan ibaret zaten.

 

       Zeynep

 

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